I finally figured out that if I’m just going to keep waiting for something interesting to happen to me, then I’ll never get to write in this thing. So for a change of plans, I’m just going to write about my day and branch off from there.
Anyways, I’ll start by talking about the highlight of my day, going to the dentist. Yes, so today I had one of my two yearly dental checkups, where I get my teeth cleaned and checked for cavities, all for a cool $50. One thing I really like about this dentist, compared to my previous two, is that he puts customer comfort as his top priority. A pleasant conversation. A magazine handed to me while I get comfortable in the big dental chair. Although the constant “are you okay, william?” can get annoying at times, he doesn’t fail in making it feel like I’m getting pampered. Another reason I enjoy my visits to this dentist is that he always seems happy. It’s nice to see a profession where a man can have a stable job, genuinely care about his customers, and wear an honest smile to top it all off.
This makes me wonder what exactly do I want for myself in the future. I was raised by a business man. Actually, it makes more sense to say I grew up with a business man, because that business man was gone half the time. Sure, he met the requirements of the father in the sense that he provided for me, he disciplined me, and he loved me, but he was not able to raise me the same way as other fathers, such as my dentist. Business was also unstable half the time, which would in turn generate the mood that my family was in at times. If business was good, we were a happy family; if business was bad, well yeah.
Even with all these realizations, I find myself still studying in the field of business. It’s like I know of nothing else. Sure I can look into other majors that might catch my interest, like psychology, biology, engineering, or maybe even political science, but do I really want to? For some reason, those things don’t even seem real to me. I grew up with a business man. I grew up with the two concepts of money and competition. Oh how I wish I could make other things feel more real. It’s like my mind won’t broaden its own horizons.
Speaking of what is and isn’t real, I had a dream last night that I got into another car accident. This time it wasn’t my fault, but the Chinese lady that ran into me kept trying to pin the blame on the William. Even in my dream, I recognized that both of us knew who was at fault, and that she was just trying to worm herself out of the situation. After realizing this, the dream me got mad and started verbally attacking the Chinese lady’s conscience. I spewed out a couple “why would you do this to me?” and “where is your heart?”, and for some reason, the Chinese lady broke down emotionally and admitted her fault. Now I know that this dream was a far stretch from reality, but I still woke up with the thought that emotions are high up on the food chain.
For some reason, this reminds me of another story. So on Monday after my gym session, I start my car only to hear the ding of an empty gas tank. I drive on over to the Shell down the block and proceed to fill up. I reach for the gas pump only to find a cut on my thumb wrapped in blanket of dried blood. Funny, because I didn’t even notice when I got this inch long cut and only when I finally see it, do I start feeling a stinging sensation. This random occurrence prompts me to start thinking about the very nature of pain. Is it only an emotional weakness that can be avoided with a strong will? Mind over matter, right?
Before I can come to a conclusion though, I realize that I have yet to be the victim of any emotional pain throughout my 18 years of existence. I never had to deal with the death of a loved one, I never lost my closest friends, I never even had my heart broken before. I have only one grandparent left, but I never even talked to my other three grandparents. So, who am I to make assumptions on something I can’t fully understand?
The closest thing I can call death of a loved one is the loss of an old friend who was also the principal at an after-school I was dropped off at from 4th to 6th grade. Although young boys and after-school principals usually don’t mix, this guy was different because he was able to become a sort of older brother/father figure to many of the students. When he passed away because of an accident, however, I did not shed one tear for him.
One would think that I wasn’t the crying type, but back when I was little, I had my fair share of being the crybaby. I would cry when I was punished, even if it was my fault. I would cry when I lost one of my prized possessions, even if it was my fault. I also cried for more serious matters, such as when my parents were close to a divorce. However, I just couldn’t cry when I heard about the guy. Looking back, I realize that most of the things I cried over, were things that directly affected myself. Am I just incapable of feeling sad for other people? When I think about it, there are many times, like with the after-school principal, where I would feel genuinely sad for someone, but then I wouldn’t know what to do. I remember I actually asked myself “was I close enough to him to deserve to feel sorry for what happened?” I hate to admit it, but when it comes to things like this, I tread so carefully that I end up freezing up. I just don’t know what to feel. It’s probably one of the biggest flaws of my character, but I don’t know how to fix it.
Some of my friends recently got into a car accident and I remember reading a lot of advice that other people gave them. For me, I didn’t know what to do, partly because of what I said in the last paragraph and partly because I just didn’t feel close enough to them (hopefully this will change, because they are definitely a good group of people to have as friends) to feel that my opinion would have any matter. I remember being in a chatroom and for the first time ever, I didn’t know what to say (if you’ve ever been in chatrooms with me, you’ll know I’m usually quite the opposite). It’s not like I didn’t have anything to say, it’s just that I didn’t know if I should say anything.
Oh well, I guess when it comes down to it, it’s just something I don’t like about myself. Just like any other flaw, there’s only one thing I can do and that’s work on it. The first step to changing something is being aware of it, so at least I’m not completely lost right?
Phew, so I ended up having more on my mind than I thought. Where did I get all of this? I honestly don’t know. I’ve been keeping certain thoughts to myself for so long and now I’m just letting it all out.
Posted in random thoughts
